Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
