Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
