oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
