Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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