So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
