My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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