Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
