pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
