remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
