man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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