Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Pants are for mortals
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
