Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
