My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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