I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning