so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Oh, makes sense.