i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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