Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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