if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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