My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
