I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
