Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
