She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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