Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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