Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
