His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
