remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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