I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
