I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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