i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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