My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
