All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
