Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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