You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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