your thong is hanging out like whoa
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
