and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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