I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
