...so i touched it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
