Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
