I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
