Four minutes until I can fart!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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