I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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