K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
