mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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