I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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