Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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