I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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