I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
