never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
there is glitter all over my balls
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