i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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