I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
