Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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