Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
