Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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