Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
