If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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